Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Psychological discovery in my car.

I have been trying like hell for ages not to get angry in a car. It's now become my favorite place to meditate. Yes that's right and if that sounds crazy then you just don't get it.

 You really do know that it doesn't matter don't you, yet the ugly truth is that it gets to you. It's all so full of people who are being selfish and just don't get the flow of that car blood through the body of the city. They go too slow or too fast or block you off without two hoots. Bad analogy there but you know what I mean.  Yet I struggle with trying to get the mind to accept this truth. Trouble is of course that emotion always trumps mind. We know we can't trust our minds. They are the things that can be fooled by arguments, and advertising and politicians. Yes it is the greatest achievement of human kind but in the same breath we have to admit that they are pretty pathetic!


 For some time I have been wondering and trying method after method to get to grips with traffic rage and I have discovered it. I discovered it slowly and with great effort. I’d have moments of calm where I’d drive, soaking in the knowledge that it didn’t matter. It was hard, all it took was a move that transgressed some drive pattern I was in and I’d blow a valve again. It seemed that all the good intentions in the world would lead to naught. That the mind was always going to come off second best to the beast. That any emotion was stronger than the head voice. I listen with great interest to good advice like knowing that you should not expect that traffic is going to do what you want it to. It helped it really did. I’m a great believer in cognitive behavioral therapy. But I’m sorry to say I have been brought up in an environment of raw emotion hanging out with the laundry.


The next stage was discovering meditation and how much status it gave you. That’s right I was using meditation  to feel superior. Not so enlightened but it worked up to a point. I could see through this so I went deeper into the moment. I kept concentrating on how it really was, on what is, not what you want. This was a big step, but I’d loose focus and be back at the panting station breathing down the neck of my victim. But seriously it really did help. I’d just start over and drop that bad bad blood. 

The next stage was what, until recently was the peak. I sort of take the bad energy of anger and turn it around. I’d take pleasure in not responding to interruptions in the flow of the autoverse. This was major step, in a moment you could turn around the beginnings of a bad feeling and make it something that was a present to yourself. This worked well as long as you were fast enough to catch it. However if that thought got in first then you were skunk.


So if you have read this far I suppose your thinking he is really building this up. Too bloody right sensei. This happened about three days ago and it was so immediate and profound that it made me shiver to my booties. A woman was driving slowly in front of me. She was in fact just being relaxed and cursing up a narrow street. “Oh fuck” I thought, “just fucking take as much time as you like” I write the exact words down because that’s the important thing. As soon as I had thought these words thoughts flashed through my head in quick succession. First I thought she is just cursing why hassle her, that didn’t help cause it’s just another mind lecture; ugggh. Then something else clicked and then I repeated the words I’d said in my head to her. When I say repeated it was more like I re ran the tape emotionally or something but it was like experiencing the moment again, But now it sounded and felt empty and stupid.  I now had a new emotion that was, well you put your own name to it, but it was acceptance and insight. It was that an emotion trumps an emotion. Magically the bad energy disappeared like high-speed frictionless wind carrying off foul air. It was like having an invisible hot water bottle on your stomach, like the good good morning feeling that happens when you’re a kid, like a smile from a lover you love, like sunshine in a bottle, like love crazy love, like energy to burn and happiness returning after a long absence.

Well you get what I mean. That self-confirmation where the hairs stand up on the back of your heard and you know you is right.


That is my big discovery and if I could I’d tell the world about it. But you will do just fine.